Divorce is never easy on children. Coping with a narcissistic parent makes a stressful situation even more difficult. Learning to identify the games narcissists play can help parents to minimize the emotional abuse children suffer at the hands of a narcissistic parent.
Emotional abuse of children during and after divorce proceedings is one of the most insidious and common problems we hear about from co-parents who contact us via Co-Parenting101.org.
Emotional abuse is generally more difficult to prove than physical abuse, and family court judges and lawyers who have seen it all know that such charges can be slippery and easily thrown around by divorcing parents, without merit.
To some extent, they expect embattled divorcing parents to make damning but ultimately unfounded accusations against each other in an attempt to emerge as the better parent and “win” in the divorce. (This is why children’s issues have no place in an arena that by definition seeks to identify a “winner” and a “loser.”
But that’s a different rant for a different day.) The result can be that accusations of emotional abuse are minimized, not thoroughly investigated, or dismissed outright.
Narcissists are amongst those who emotionally abuse children during and after divorce. Narcissism is “the personality trait of egotism, vanity, conceit, or simple selfishness.” While Freud argued that “healthy narcissism” is essential to normal human development, high levels of narcissism are manifested pathologically as narcissistic personality disorder. While co-parents shouldn’t invest themselves in trying to diagnose their exes, understanding their personality traits or potential disorders can be useful in learning how to deal with them constructively and in ways that benefit the children.
Here’s an excerpt from an article by Paula Lovgren that addresses how narcissists abuse children during and after divorce:
“Narcissists will use people in whatever way is necessary to get what they want. This worldview also applies to their children…During and after divorce, a narcissist’s emotional abuse of their children may seem more direct or blatant.
Narcissists are masters of lying. They will lie to their children and distort reality the same as they do to everyone else. Often, narcissists will sacrifice their children’s well-being in an attempt to save face. This leaves the children feeling confused and unsure of their own reality and judgment. Narcissists will ask their children to lie for them, keep secrets and to spy on the other parent.
Narcissistic parents do not respect their children’s desires. They may make promises to the children in order to gain compliance from the child, then refuse to honor the promises. Children may miss out on birthday parties, sporting events or other activities important to them in order to accommodate the narcissistic parent’s wishes. The children soon learn that what they want is not important when with the narcissistic parent.”
It may seem excessive or restraining but in the long run…written agreements will often be easier than constantly renegotiating with an unreliable and emotionally abusive former spouse.
Divorce is never easy on children. Coping with a narcissistic parent makes a stressful situation even more difficult. Learning to identify the games narcissists play can help parents to minimize the emotional abuse children suffer at the hands of a narcissistic parent.”
1. Shamelessness: Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism, and the inability to process shame in healthy ways.
2. Magical thinking: Narcissists see themselves as perfect using distortion and illusion known as magical thinking. They also use projection to dump shame onto others.
3. Arrogance: A narcissist who is feeling deflated may reinflate by diminishing, debasing, or degrading somebody else.
4. Envy: A narcissist may secure a sense of superiority in the face of another person’s ability by using contempt to minimize the other person.
5. Entitlement: Narcissists hold unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable treatment and automatic compliance because they consider themselves special. Any failure to comply will be considered an attack on their superiority and the perpetrator is considered to be an “awkward” or “difficult” person. Defiance of their will is a narcissistic injury that can trigger narcissistic rage.
6. Exploitation: Exploitation can take many forms but always involves the exploitation of others without regard for their feelings or interests. Often the other is in a subservient position where resistance would be difficult or even impossible. Sometimes the subservience is not so much real as assumed.
7. Bad Boundaries: Narcissists do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply to the narcissist will be treated as if they are part of the narcissist and be expected to live up to those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist, there is no boundary between self and other.
Googling “narcissism and divorce” yields a ton of resources which I believe is a testament to just how draining this particular personality trait or disorder can be in a situation that is already difficult and emotionally charged. The conventional wisdom for dealing with narcissists is: Get away from them. But of course, that’s not possible when you must co-parent. And, according to my experience with the court it is difficult to get a change of child custody when dealing with a narcissistic co-parent.
One co-parent we know told her children: “I’m your mother; I can do anything I want with you and to you” in response to their father’s attempt to intervene on their behalf.
So what’s a concerned co-parent to do? Bill Eddy, founder of The High Conflict Institute and author of Don’t Alienate the Kids! Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce shared some advice with us on an episode of “Co-Parenting Matters”, “Dealing With High Conflict in Your Co-Parenting Relationship.” According to Eddy, it’s important to realize that you cannot change a narcissist. And certainly trying to convince the narcissist that he’s a narcissist is pretty much a fool’s errand.
1. Don’t swing at every pitch: For example, emails that are just rants, attention-seeking, or expressions of self-aggrandizement should be ignored. Address any issue or problem that relates to your child; attack the problem, not the other parent, even if s/he is on the attack. If you do respond, keep it brief, to the point, and business-like.
2. Maintain firm boundaries: Limit your contact and communication, and maintain boundaries to keep the narcissist from inserting him/herself in your household and in your relationship with your children in inappropriate ways.
3. Accept that you can’t win an argument with a narcissist: Give up any efforts to be “right” in the eyes of the narcissist–even if you are. Focus instead on peace and wellness for your children.
4. Don’t take it personally: The narcissist has a disorder that’s about them, not you.
5. Take care of yourself: Divorcing a narcissist with children in the mix means that for some years you will not be able to completely sever ties with this person. Dealing with them can be exhausting and stressful. Commit to self-care to bring yourself some relief. Your martyrdom will not help your children.
Is emotional abuse of children commonplace in divorce?
Emotional abuse of children is commonplace in divorce as parents become embroiled in disputes between themselves.
Can I prove to a family court that my children were emotionally abused? .
Proving emotional abuse of children in a family court is difficult because divorcing parents often raise these allegations without merit to influence custody proceedings—a fact judges and lawyers know very well.
Who abuses children during divorce?
Divorcing parents can easily neglect children, which is also a form of abuse. Moreover, narcissists are notorious for abusing children because they use them as pawns to control their exes and partners.
Do parents accuse each other of emotionally abusing children to win divorce cases?
Divorcing parents locked in bitter litigation do accuse each other of emotionally abusing children in an attempt to emerge as the better parent and win their divorce or custody cases.
Do narcissists respect their children?
Children are like pawns to a narcissist who uses them against the other parent to gain control. Narcissists will never respect their children; they will make promises to them in order to gain compliance and refuse to honor them later.
How do I stop my narcissistic ex from emotionally abusing my children?
Don’t try to beat the narcissist at his own game, but do try to understand how and why he manipulates children in order to minimize their emotional abuse.
Sources:
Hotchkiss, Sandy & Masterson, James F. Why Is It Always About You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism (2003)
Bancroft, Lundy. When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse. New York: Berkley Books, 2004.
Hotchkiss, Sandy. Why is Always About You? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism. New York: Free Press, 2002.
Skerritt, Richard. Surviving the Storm: Strategies and Realities for Divorcing a Narcissist. Kennett Square, PA: Dalkeith Press, 2009.
Deesha Philyaw is the co-founder, with her ex-husband, of CoParenting101, a resource for those parenting across two households after a divorce or break-up.
My greatest pain comes in seeing my children suffer at the hands of their narcissistic father who thinks he is punishing me but in fact is hurting them instead. And while I am a grown up and can handle his abusive behavior (plus I am educated and empowered on the subject of Narcissism), my children are unable to make sense of it all. I can only continue to be there for them and pick up the pieces. It breaks my heart though that I am powerless to stop their suffering.
English is not my first language (so sorry for any mistakes) I feel en understand your pain. We often see the same thing thats been done to us unfold in regard to the childeren. I have found some peace by accepting that my childeren have their own journey in live. That I can protect them to a sertain degree, but the rest of the time is showing them how ‘normal’ behaviour looks like. Untill they get a voice in our courtsystem and I hope that what havent killed them makes them stronger.Stay strong
This is what I had to do – model great behavior and healthy boundaries for my kids. We had a few very rough years and they acted anxious all the time about separating from me. They were spoiled when visiting dad & came back acting like brats – we’d have 2 really rough days then they got back into their routine with my rules. I went back to court and insisted on longer visits with me & shorter with him. I convinced him by pointing out how much more he could work, make more money & have more free time! He loved that idea! When they got to be 13-ish, they stopped wanting to visit their dad and have no respect for him and very little contact as adults. They got to see healthy parenting via my modeling and felt more stable & safe with me. I never said anything disparaging about him, but did get every detail of parenting plan & visitation written down. I always had housemates so I could leave them home & work as much as I needed to. I was also self-employed so that made it easier.
Suzzana, is the same situation in my life, the only difference, he is using my 14 y/o son to make my life even worse, i am depressive most of the time, thinking what should i do, am i letting this happen all over again?, he cannot get close to me cause a court order, which i finally have, but he now is using my own son, training him to hurt me..
Suzanna I am right there with you. My 13 years old is suffering, dreads going and ends up crying the majority of the time she is there from the way she is treated. She gets emotionally beat down on a regular basis and it just continues to get worse
I am not sure what of anything I can do to help her
I have been living with the same pain that you speak of for over 5 years when I lost custody of my children due to his revenge money and narcissism I’m trying to regain custody of my children is there any advice that you could give me
GOOD article If going through a divorce isn’t hard enough The narcissist plays with their own children’s minds to alien at the other parent. It took many years to realize what he was doing. Hopefully my daughter learns sooner
Good article but I didn’t see a way to deal with the children being targets of emotional abuse….I’m in the same situation right now and the hardest thing for me to deal with is that at this point I’m currently unable to be able to help my girls…. I hear their sadness every time I speak to them. My girls now suffer with his manipulation & mental/emotional abuse because he uses them to further hurt me because I broke free and go away. I am completely disgusted to see a parent treat their own child so badly yet hear their cries too. I pray the Lord keeps my girls safe until I can get enough to help get them into a better place with help they need.
I need to read this. I’m currently recovering from believing not communicating with the narcissistic father was best, come to find out by being ‘out of the loop’ meant I wasn’t doing everything I could to protect my child. I’m learning that I can discuss things that have to do with our child and not get emotional, though this isn’t an easy task anyone that has a good heart and children knows that we as mothers of these children feel responsible for the other parent’s actions with a narcissistic parent that is not the case. We can’t prevent anything just educate our children what to expect andmake sure they know they are and will always be safe with us. I’m more than relieved to learn that I am not alone in this struggle. Thank you for the article.
I have just realized what I’ve been dealing with the last 10 years! I’m dealing with a narcissist. My 13 yr old son is now acting out and I know it’s because of his dad because when he comes back from the weekend ,he is a different child. Disrespectful, cold. His father does everything he can to not bend on anything regarding our child’s events at school, etc if it is his assigned weekend. Even if my son asks, he will tell him “no”. God forbid I try to take up for my son! He is texting my son several times a day trying to make a trail to show he has some great relationship. It’s constant. I’m about to disable texting and I really hate that because my son is just now starting to gain friends at school. I feel I have to because I don’t want to end up in court again. He’s already tried to sue for full custody once…didn’t work before.
My daughter is a narcissist. She is horriable to me and her husband, we both walk on egg shells around her. I am in her life only because of the grand children and now her husband has filed for divorce. She is only being nice now because she is trying to look like the “good guy” and its all “his fault” … well now my grand son is saying things that he has never said before about his father, very out of character. He is almost 5. What do I do?
Hi, My ex wife is a text book narccisist and after our divorce she was able to lie her way to custody and now my daughter who is 8 years old is having some major emotional issues and developmental issues. At 8 years old she is wetting the bed almost on a nightly basis. She’s acting out in school and developing anger issues. My ex wife has been reported 7 times for physical abuse by my daughters 2 schools in the past 2 years yet every finding i am mailed by Kansas DCF states that they are unsustantiated. I attempted to file a PFA with the paperwork I had but my ex wife is refusing all my visitation currently and all contact right now with my daughter is cut off. The 2 judges I attempted to file a PFA for my daughter for say that b/c the abuse is unsubstantiated, that a PFA does not meet the requirements to sign. How do I get my daughter help?
Thank you for the article. But I can’t find information on how to help my son. My ex is extremely manipulitive, gaslights, lies, and goes to great lengths even years after our divorce to control me, my son, my finances, everything. My son breaks down in school and at home because my ex is doing it to him too. My ex remarried and she is just as bad. I tried counseling for my son and attempted an adult meeting with his therapist with my ex and his new wife. I had to walk out due to the emotional abuse and the therapist agreed I did the right thing by walking out. It didn’t matter, it made them angrier and come against me stronger. Now both of them try to interupt my son’s school, religion, education, social life, family life and anything they can do including making him constatnly feel confused and anxious. I’ve tried everything but there is no legal reprive for my son nor me. So knowing all of this, knowing why this is going on, how do I help my son when he HAS to go on visitations and at only 8 has panic attacks that of course, according to the other side, is all my faut (and the school’s fault, and the pastors fault, and etc. because they can NeVer be rational nor comprimising). Help!
I’m in exactly the same situation. I’ve had some help from Rights for women legal charity, they’ve helped me legally as I’ve stopped contact.
Best wishes from someone who can totally empathise.
Whendoesitend….I realize you wrote this over 2 years ago, but I would love to hear an update…what did you do, etc… I’m dealing with the same sort of situation with my boys father and his new wife. She is so nasty to him, his father is a complete insensitive narcissist but she makes him look like the better parent. I need to help my son. Any advice is so appreciated
This is a great article. Just keep in mind the abuser isn’t always the male, as in my case. Same story though. I ache for my kids and there is not much I can do except love them and support them.
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I truly feel for you. Of course, we have to allow ourselves to be emotionally human about the situation, but we also have to be a source of strength for our child(ren) through this tough process and sometimes, that means looking at the positives of the situaton more than the negatives – a much harder task. ie: My kids are in a much better environment now, I am much happier now, they get two loving homes etc.
For some reason my comment posted below this article and not in another…strange! I also cannot delete it, obviously so please disregard 🙂
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I am glad the example used above was an abusing Woman narcissist. That’s exaclty what my ex-wife is. It has been three years now and she is getting worse and worse after committing adultery and destroying our marriage. The only way to ‘win’ with her is to have as little contact as possible and as few dealings as possible. She will turn any engagement into an everyone loses proposition. The courts are useless for emotional abuse by a woman. I can only wait for the children to grow up and be outside of the decree for the witch to cease her evil hold on me and my children.
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Revenge Your Ex Each day hundreds of men and women seek revenge on their ex-mates for a
variety of reasons, usually because they got dumped or where cheated on.
Revenge comes in many ways. It typically starts by using social media to
vent, and then escalates from there. Now sites like “Get Revenge On Your Ex”
for a fee will help you get pay back or revenge. So what is the best way to get revenge besides slashing her tires, posting
nude photos of her and so on. The best way according to the web site Right Choices 101 is to live your
life well. This is true no matter who you are seeking revenge on. Coworkers,
past bosses, bad friends or ex-lovers. Put your energy into succeeding and
enjoying your life, not wasting your time, energy and resources on revenge
that can end up costing you much more. Plus, when you seek revenge, you send
them a massage that you have not gotten over the relationship. It’s much
better to show you are indifferent and don’t care. According to Kenneth Agee of A Foreign Affair, a service that specializes in
helping men find young beautiful foreign women, “The best revenge is to date
or marry a women 10 years younger than your ex. This will piss her off to no
end. No woman ever wants to be replaced with a younger, more attractive
woman. Just like a man never likes to get replaced by a guy who is wealthier
or more successful. I will never forget one of my first clients we took to Saint Petersburg,
Russia.” says Agee, “The client told me that two days on our tour was better
than two years of therapy. Having hundreds of attractive women fighting over
you gets your ex out of your mind pretty quick. I personally went through break up when my ex ran off with another man. But
a short time later, I met a new lady who was ten times better. I ran into
that man who stole my ex and I gave him a big thanks. In fact, I could not
thank him enough. He was stuck with an older nagging women, while I was now
with a young, beautiful, caring women. Plus, my ex had gained about 100
pounds. I don’t look at that fellow as any kind of enemy but as the person
who saved me from my ex and years of suffering.” This is the best a revenge
when you win without lowering yourself. Other sites like “Get Over Her Now” give practical advice and tips for
getting over a past relationship. Top Tips from Get Over Her Now: Start making platonic relationships with as many women as possible, old,
young, skinny, fat, cute or ugly. This greatly helps you get back in the
game of socializing with the opposite sex. And it opens up lots
opportunities to meet their cute attractive friends in a more relaxed
environment. This also helps you build your game and confidence. Improve yourself, start working out, get up early every day and exercise. Buy new clothes. Dressing better makes you feel better and improves your
confidence. Focus on work and getting a promotion or raise. Don’t let a break up effect
your work negatively. Put that extra effort into work and it will pay off
with a better position and more money. This will also build your confidence
and help attract better quality women. Any time you are depressed, improving yourself helps greatly. When you feel
depressed, don’t sit and watch TV and then sleep-in late. Get out and do
something that will make you feel like you’ve accomplished something. Take a
class, go hiking, fix something you’ve been putting off. Don’t start drinking. Drinking will always have a negative impact on your
life. Don’t drink while depressed or when you are trying to get over some
one. After all, drinking is for celebrating. So if you are not celebrating
something, don’t drink. A quality women is not going to be attracted to
someone who drinks a lot or has a drinking problem. Don’t sleep in; sleeping late increases depression. Get up as early as you
can and go for a walk, take a hike, or go to the Gym. Research shows getting
up early and exercising can eliminate depression. You will have no game be
depressed. Don’t binge eat. If you start gaining weight, you will feel less self-worth
and lose your confidence. Confidence is a quality that women are extremely
attracted to. Conclusion, the best revenge is when you improve your life so well that she
realizes she made a big mistake. And satisfaction comes when you meet
someone so much better, you are glad the ex is gone. After all, if you are
seeking revenge, how great could she really have been in the first place!
For years, International Marriage Services had to live with the stigma of being referred to as Mail Order Bride services. However, many consider the term “mail-order bride” derogatory and feel it demeans foreign women by comparing them to commodities for sale and falsely implying that (unlike local women), they exercise no judgment over the men they meet and would marry anyone from a relatively wealthy country. Even with the foreign women being labeled as mail order brides these companies have grown in popularity for the past two decades, largely due to the internet. The industry grew at such a fast pace it caught the attention of the US senator Maria Cantwell of Washington State, who in 2006 she pushed a bill through congress known as IMBRA or International Marriage Brokers Regulation Act. Although the intent of Senator Cantwell was clearly meant to put Foreign Bride Companies out of business by severely restricting how men communicate with foreign women. In the end, the companies flourished under the new regulations as these business quickly modified their business models. Kenneth Agee, marketing Director for A Foreign Affair one of the largest so called Mail Order Bride Companies says, “We have always had to overcome this label. Since Trump announced his candidacy for president of the United States, the industry saw a significant increase in upscale business men looking for foreign brides. Once he became president, Trump made it the new status symbol of success to be married to an eastern European women. With First Lady Melanie Trump in the White House, opinions about foreign women have dramatically changed. Once men were scorned upon to be married to a women from Russian or the Ukraine, now is seen as prestigious. And we are seeing huge increase of men seeking foreign brides, our client base is up by more than 200% since Trump has taken office. This month alone we will be taking over 100 American men to the Ukraine, mostly very successful executives.” Beside online matchmaking, the company arranges group tours for men that will travel to countries throughout the world. During these tours the men will meet hundreds of pre-screened women during what A Foreign Affair calls “Social Events” or what Kenneth calls speed dating on steroids. Critics say these women are just used as arm trophies for business men in America. That men take advantage of the women’s circumstances, both economical and geographical. Kenneth argues, “I would hardly say Melanie Trump has been taken advantage of or refer her to as a Mail Order Bride. Women choose just like the men choose, we are all adults and are responsible for our own choices. It is just that men in America have a good reputation for the way we treat women and how we take care of our families. This opens the door to the men to meet some of the most beautiful women in the world.” Trump is not the only high profile person to marry a foreign women, Jeb Bush met his wife in Mexico. Rupert Murdoch former CEO of Fox News married Wendi Deng from China, and the list goes on. If Trump accomplishes nothing else during his presidency he has clearly helped one Industry.
Hello
I’ve just read all of your stories and it’s unfortunate so many people are going through this and that so many children are used as pawns by ex partners to hurt the parent.
I’ve been going through my situation for 2 years and it’s now come to a head.
My ex partner has been emotionally abusing my daughter for 2 years since I left the relationship. He continually harasses me and tries to sabotage my job, my friends, my family but I can deal with this as I’m an adult and have coping mechanisms.
He still scares me as he has money and a family who tend to bully me too. I am in the UK alone as I cannot leave as my daughter was born here, I tried but had to return due to jurisdiction.
It has now come to a point I am not going to stand back and watch him do this to my daughter.
My daughter loves her dad as most children do regardless of what they’ve done.
I sought advice and due to my disclosures and keeping logs/records of incidents it has now been taken out of my hands and is being referred to social care.
Do not be scared of getting involved with social care, they are there to help. They have been the only ones who’ve listened to me.
There is a stigma attached to your child being involved with them and I didn’t ever foresee this happening to us but I’ve had to do something.
I would regret not trying to protect her.
My daughter is 7 and I’ve gone through parental alienation through her father telling her things.
I’ve had to get professional advice to know the right responses for my daughter, lots of patience and understanding and providing a stable, secure and loving environment. However, all my work is undone through her visits with her dad 50/50 access.
Although I’ve disclosed my worries for my daughter I am worried about the repercussions for both of us, worried my daughter will blame me and it will affect our relationship, worried about repercussions from him and his family and worried he could turn it round on me somehow and gain more access. It’s difficult to have faith in the legal system for parents.
When we originally went to family court although there was evidence of domestic abuse and controlling coercive behaviour he was still guven 50/50 access. I was okay with this at the time thinking he was angry with me and not my daughter but it’s been a constant struggle and I worry daily about my daughter.
I’m all for access to both parents but only when both parties put the child first and are civil and reasonable.
I never envisaged he would use her as a weapon as he has and that he would have no regard for her welfare and emotional well-being.
Emotional abuse is just as damaging as any other but more difficult to prove and often just considered ‘mudslinging’ between both parents. It’s very frustrating but if you believe that there is damage being done to your child on a consistent basis contact social care duty team for your area for advice or NSPCC, they also deal with emotional abuse.
I have been dealing with my ex who is a complete Narcissist. I have 2 children age 9 and 14. My 9 year old has been battling leukemia for the last 2 years. My ex is also an alcoholic and would go out with his girlfriend at night and not tell the kids they would be leaving. The kids would call both of their phones when they would realize they weren’t home and they wouldn’t answer for hours but then return home intoxicated. My daughter needed special care and if she came down with a fever she would need to be taken in to the hospital due to chemo treatments. This continued with my ex and the last straw was he brought her home so sick she was in the hospital for 5 days due to his neglect. I took him back to court and came up with a new parenting plan stating he could not drink around the kids anymore, and would need to inform me of any medical issues with my daughter or my son. He could not leave them home alone, or with a babysitter he would need to watch them. He agreed and signed the paper work and we went to court and got it finalized by the judge. My ex was really angry with me as he only got the kids 3 days a month as I live 3 hours away from him. He didn’t pick the kids up for his visitation one month and then went almost 2 month without seeing them. This last fathers day weekend, I dropped the kids to him Friday and picked them up that following Sunday. As soon as my son saw me he gave me this look. He then asked if me and him could talk. Him being 14 years old looked and me and said he was done. He didn’t want to go to his dads anymore. I asked him what happened and he said his dad had a friend over and drank with his friend all night long and didn’t spend anytime with him and his sister Saturday night. He got so drunk he was pounding on the walls at midnight and scared him pretty bad as he wouldn’t stop. I then called my ex and asked him about this. He stated the kids are lying and he wasn’t drinking. I told him the kids wouldn’t lie about something like that. His response was I always look for something and hung up. I contacted my attorney and told her what had happened with the last visitation over fathers day weekend. When she looked over the parenting plan that me and my ex agreed to just 6 months before, it stated “if he drank around the kids all visitation would stop. The parenting plan would be terminated and a new one drawn up and we would go back to court. It also stated if this happened my ex would have to pay for all my attorney fee’s this time” She stated for me to come up with another parenting and we would go back to court and I did. I kept phone conversations open for my ex and kids at this time. My ex was really hostel towards me. I would have the kids answer the phone and let them talk. He would ask to talk to me and I would in beginning but all he would do is degrade me, say horrible things and his girlfriend would also be saying things to me also. At this point I told him all communication between me and him would have to be through email or text, that I would not talk with him anymore if he couldn’t be respectful. I also explained to him due to his drinking all invitation has stopped and we would be returning to court to redo the parenting plan. I told him he does not need to keep asking the kids when he is going to see them as right now he would not be seeing them until we are done with court. All he would do when he would call is ask the kids when do I get to see you, oh it’s not your fault your mom want let us see each other, or, i would really love to see you but your mom wont let me. It got to the point where I told my ex no more, he would need to stop asking the kids these things as he already knows the answer and he needed to keep his girlfriend off the phone with the kids for the time being, as all she was doing is adding conflict to the conversation not only with me and him but also between him and the kids. My ex just continued and would not stop harassing me through text, phone calls. He even had his sister text me telling me I should have dies as the world would be a better place and that the kids aren’t mine, they are his kids, and he has done nothing to the kids and I’m a horrible mother blah blah blah…….. I couldn’t even respond to such nonsense. The he had his mom get on the phone and start telling my daughter what see needs to tell me. That was the last conversation my ex had with the kids. I called my attorney and told her what had been going on. I told her I can’t take this anymore. What he is doing to the kids and I is just to much to handle. I asked her legally can I stop all communication until we are done with court. She said yes, I needed to text him and tell him that all communication for now on goes through him and my attorney and he is not to call me anymore. There will be no more communication between him and the children for the time being and we would let him know when phone calls can start again. We haven’t had to talk with him in weeks. My kids are more happy and so am I. I know this is short lived and wont be forever, but for right now me and the kids needed a break from all the anger and narcissistic behavior coming from their dad. We will be due in court in the next 3 months. I really wish it didn’t go this far. I know my kids need to have a relationship with their father, but it needs to be a healthy one, and that’s the choice he needs to make for himself. I had asked him so many times to be respectful and that he didn’t need to treat us like this, but in his mind he thinks we are all after him and he’s the victim when the kids are the ones hurting throughout all of this. I don’t know if reading this will help anyone and I am open to any comments or suggestions people may have. I wish some parents would just understand that acting this way gets them nowhere. All it does is cause resentment and anger in the situation were it’s not needed. IT’S ABOUT THE KIDS. I have tried to explain this to my ex so many times. That he needs to put the kids first in every decision he makes. I do and always will. Good luck to the people dealing the impossible ex while co-parenting. Your going to need a lot of support. Hang in there.
Excellent article, Thank you!!I loved reading this article, so my ex has this personality and we have 50-50 parenting. When he has kids in his week she takes my older one in a room closes the door and asks her all the questions related to the week they spent at my place. Questions like who is mom seeing, is mom going to work what time, who are mom friends, who does mom talk to, who comes over to mom house etc. After the questions are done she comes out of the room crying cause she doesn’t want to go thru this process each week and she is only 8 years old. I was not aware of this until my younger one who is 6 years old told me what dad is doing her sister he will never ask the 6 year old any questions. I can only imagine what my older one is feeling each week at his place. Its like mental abuse to her, how can I stop this. Will DCFS help with this issue? I need help.
No, DCF won’t get involved. You need to talk to an attorney. The best route is to modify your divorce decree and add that he isn’t allowed to ask the children questions or speak negatively about you. If you get your decree modified with that language and he continues to do that to her, he will be in contempt of divorce. Also, I suggest you talk to your daughter. Tell her it is OK for her to refuse to answer his questions. It’s OK for her to tell him he makes her uncomfortable and she isn’t going to do it again. She needs to feel empowered to stand up to him.
Thankyou for replying, we have it in our divorce decree that he cannot ask any questions to children and I have told her several time to say NO. But I think she gives in cause she just wants to answer and get away. He says things like if you love daddy then you will tell me or I am going to be sad and not be feeling good so that’s another reason she will give in.
Yup, my childrens mother does all this and more. Neglectful to the max.Hi Suzanna, I understand your situation. I’m going through the same thing. I to have educated and empowered myself on Narcissists. Thank God for utube and Divorcedmoms articles. I’m in search for support groups in Detroit metropolitan area. Pray and for strength.
angela rutherking (@angelarutherki1) says February 13, 2020 at 1:29 pm
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